... And a Very Fond Farewell

To the Elders of the St. Ann Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses:

Let me first be clear that I bear you no malice. I believe that you are acting in accordance with what you believe to be the truth. I cannot fault you for following your conscience, and ask for the same consideration. I have loved you as brothers, even long after we have ceased our acquaintance. I respect you as men; as men who are intent on being Christ-like. 

Secondly, I want to clearly state that I do not believe my baptism at the age of fifteen to have been valid. The decision to be baptized was predicated on the incorrect assertion that it was an informed decision. I have been able to determine that I was in fact woefully misinformed, and in fact coerced into forming a covenant with the Society that cannot be validated. 

I was taught the doctrines of Jehovah’s Witnesses from the time I could sit up on my own. I was taught that they were the actual Truth. I was taught that we were guided by God’s Holy Spirit. I was taught that we knew things that the world did not. It is no exaggeration that this is the only “truth” I was exposed to until I became an adult. This is analogous to Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Reality is incomprehensible unless one is free to examine it, and there is no version of my upbringing that can be qualified as “free”.

Even so, I was pushed towards baptism by every rung of my social ladder. My parents, peers, and spiritual leaders (you, or your forebears) all aimed me toward a singular path – dedication and unwavering devotion to Jehovah and his earthly organization. It was obvious to me that I would not have a place in the social structure of Jehovah’s Witnesses unless I was first baptized. A fact evidenced by my lack of association with my contemporaries. 

Had I been fully informed as to the nature and origins of Society doctrines, I’d have chosen differently. However, as a minor, I was not granted access to life-altering information. I also entered into the aforementioned covenant ignorant of the fact that if I ever became informed, I would be shunned for disagreeing with what you regard as “truth”, irrespective of whether it was factually correct. Certainly you are aware that once you are baptized as a Witness, there is no way to cease being a Witness, even for well-founded reasons, without sacrificing ties to your family.

Jehovah’s Witnesses support only one truth, and that is the one espoused by the Governing Body. It has been established in a court of law that Witnesses uphold the practice of disfellowshipping to preserve “unity at all costs” (Walsh v Clyde; Scotland, 1954), even when doctrines may be wrong. So, regardless if I had evidence handed down by God himself, if I disagree with the Governing Body, I am to be disfellowshipped. If I disassociate myself, for any reason, I am to be treated exactly as a disfellowshipped person. Brothers, literally the only way for me to have a relationship with my blood relatives is to live and die as a Witness.

Perhaps there will be members of your body of Elders who remember the first talk I ever delivered in the Theocratic Ministry School at the age of five… I certainly do. Job 2:1-13 – I discussed the theme of integrity for three minutes and twenty-six seconds. It was not until I was grown and had faded from the organization that I began to understand what integrity really meant to me. I used to think it was doing what God wanted of me, no matter what others may say. I used to think it was upholding the Society’s teachings, no matter what apostate lies I was confronted with. 

Gentlemen, integrity is doing what is right, no matter the sacrifice. Integrity is standing against an untruth or an injustice when those around you disagree in their ignorance, even if they are ignorant by choice. It is the moral fortitude to make the hard decision when every consequence comes at great [personal] cost. 

It is to my integrity which I owe my first duty. 

I will not belabor you with details in which you have no interest. Perhaps it will be enough to say that you do not need to delve into apostate circles to determine logical errors made by the Society. You only need to exercise critical thought and validate the Society’s views against empirical evidence. The conclusions of the Society are frequently wrong, and continuing to use their publications as a reference point leads people farther astray with each iteration. 

The February 2017 Study Edition Watchtower (Who is Leading God’s People Today, para. 12) says that “The Governing Body is neither inspired nor infallible. Therefore, it can err in doctrinal matters or in organizational direction.” In fact they have erred, are continuing to err, are promulgating those errors as God’s will and occurring at His direction. But if they are not inspired, how can they perceive such things? The very definition of inspiration precludes the assistance of the Holy Spirit based upon the admission at the start of this paragraph.

Paragraph 14 of the same study article presents an inference of Angelic assistance as “evidence” of divine favor. Brothers, I implore you to examine the metrics of the world wide preaching work over the last several years. The effectiveness of your efforts has waned significantly. Every measure of success, the very “evidence” of Angelic assistance, is in decline! That is not a topic that is up for debate. It is simply the truth.

Paragraph 16 continues with a blatant plea for you, the sheep, to continue praying for men who, by their own admission, are not inspired. Should you not be praying for inspired representatives to lead Jehovah’s people instead of the Governing Body? Geoffery Jackson, of the Governing Body, testified before the Australian Royal Commission [into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse]. When questioned by Angus Stewart if they saw themselves as Jehovah God’s spokesperson(s) on earth, he replied “that I think would seem to be quite presumptuous to say that we are the only spokesperson that God is using.” 

Brothers, we all know Brother Jackson's statement to be patently false! We have held to the immutable truth of the Governing Body (and the Society) being God’s only earthly representatives for as long as there have been Witnesses. Did Brother Jackson lie to the Australian government, or have they been lying to us? In either case, critical scrutiny is the only reasonable response. But you and I both know that if you follow that rabbit hole, you’ll be chastised, at best; disfellowshipped, at worst. Silence is the only option afforded to any of us.

It is, unfortunately, incumbent upon you to do what the Society requires of you. I am an apostate, which I do not deny. I have lost faith in uninspired men, who are not God’s only mouthpiece, and are not infallible. Do they mean well? Certainly. Do I owe them any fealty? Certainly not.

When I began this letter, I did not intend to be so verbose. “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks”, however (Luke 6:45). Brothers, it is with the greatest humility that I ask you to examine your faith with an objective eye. All things come from God, including actual truth. There is no sin in seeking it out. For my part, I can no longer in good conscience identify myself as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My integrity would be one sacrifice too many.

Disconnected...

Please forgive spelling errors... this is copied right from a FB chat...

Mom: I saw your post as ex-JW. I already figured
it out but needed it confirmed. Good bye to the
son I've always loved. I still hope to have some
contact with my granddaughter. I've missed not
ever getting to know her.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

What is it?

Truthfully, I don't have any single question. There
are so many... but if I must start with one, how was
1914 determined?

I mean, I know how you think it was determined...
but you may be surprised how it actually was...

The best way to answer is give you this link
and let you research it yourself. (Link). I think
you've research a lot of negatives about what we
believe. How about looking at why we believe it.
Chapter 5 might answer your question you sent
to dad in an email. He actually researched your
question but it came from an older publication.
You can download this book if your really wanting
an answer and not just looking for more reason
to disbelieve. Apostates use some truth mixed
with a lot of lies. That's what makes them so
believable. Satan used the same tactic wth Eve.
Most of what he told her was true except that she
'positively will not die.'

(Link)
(Link)
jw.org

Everything I believe about what you believe comes
right from the societies own publications... I'm asking
you, mom, what you know about how your religion
was founded. I pick 1914 because it is the foundation of
Everything you believe about the provenance of
Jehovah's organization.

It is THAT important.

The Bible is our foundation. The kingdom and
the vindication of Jehovah's sovereignty is
the main theme of the Bible. If you want the
TRUTH read the book and check the scriptures.
I'm already convinced that the kingdom is real
and will soon rule over the earth. And have held
that conviction for over 55 years. I guess we've
said everything we need to say. Any future
conversation would be futile. You've sided with
Apostates so any contact in the future will be
only in case of an emergency. Just know that
we've always loved you and we always will.

I understand that this makes you very emotional.
However, all I'm asking for is an open and reasoned
discussion about what you believe. In the previous
message you have retreated into religious defense based
strictly on faith. All I would like to do is discuss
published, verifiable, and immutable fact.
Can we do that?

If your position is the truth, then you have nothing to fear.

I'm waiting to see the doctor. Now is not a good
 time. It's not fear that keeps me from having a
discussion on the subject it's that I already know
that you won't accept any scriptural evidence we might give.

I'm open to scriptural evidence that corresponds
with historical, and scientific evidence. The bible, as 

a historical document, should be well supported, 

should it not?

Are you going to check the evidence I provided
in the link You want me to hear your side but
you're not willing to offer me the same courtesy.
Why have a long debate? Listening to Apostasy
is a waste of time and would make me disloyal to
my God Jehovah. Goodbye Son

I'll read it. Sure. I've already read it in the search
for impartial truth, but I'm willing to again. Are you
willing to hear facts that are inconvenient, but no
less true?

You see, you're already of the opinion that I am closed
minded. You have no interest in what I have to say. You
assume that everything I am going to say is to break you
down. But my only interest in learning any of this was to
help the ones I love.

You can't fix what ain't broke. Time will tell
 which of us followed the right path.
 
They'll be calling me soon. Did you know
 of dad's fall off a roof Sept 2015? 3 fracture
 in the pelvis. Irreparable torn rotator cuff
 in left shoulder that's left his left arm mostly
 unusable. Only option he has to regain some
 use is reverse shoulder replacement. I will
 eventually need knee replacement. I have
 to use a cane most of the time. Thought you
 might be interested in our physical status.

Of course I'm interested.

Got to go

You didn't raise a heartless boy. Nor did you raise a fool.

 I'm sorry that you think so little of me that you would 

dismiss me without the benefit of doubt...

Branding Myself

I haven't really tried to hide from the fact that I'm an apostate. There's no sense in it at any rate. I am who I am, without apology, and those that have something to say about my views are as free to read my thoughts as anyone. They simply don't extend the effort.

When the convention program for 2016 was made public, there were several voices that decried the idea that inactive persons (faders) would be treated as disfellowshipped, with all the rights and privileges therewith. It raised a question in me, which was "and...?"

I waited dutifully for the punchline of that particular joke, but it never came. It's about as elementary-school-playground as you can get when it comes to a religion. They threatened to what... ignore me if I didn't talk to them? Pffftt!

We all know that there are three titles you can have as a former Witness; A) Inactive, B) Disfellowshipped, C) Disassociated. B and C may as well be the same thing as they are effectively no different. Heretofore, you could be an "A" without much repercussion. You were just encouraged to return as often as someone thought of you. Since the convention season came to a close, being an "A" is as bad as anything else.

In a way, they have decided to brand anyone who isn't active and productive in the fold. There is now a single status that a person can have among Jehovah's Witnesses that is not worth shunning, and I am not one of those.

That got me to thinking about what identity really is. If I say "identity", it immediately conjures the notion of who a person is, but that's not really correct. Identity is how other people know you, or who they think you are. Your drivers license, birth certificate, or security badge at work all tell other people who you are. How you know yourself, or what you know yourself to be is of little interest to the world. In similar fashion, the Society has decided on your identity, at least as much as it matters to them. You are either acceptable, or you are not.

But is that who you are?

Frankly, I don't have two shits to give for what the Society thinks I am. My identity will be whatever I cultivate and what I use to meet the world. I am the only person who gets to decide what labels I will wear. I decline to wear theirs. They have used hateful speech for generations to ostracize and obfuscate critical thinkers, dissenters, and self-assured people. Their first duty is to homogeny, and with that goal in mind, they crush any sense of autonomy or ability to trust their environment. As I have mentioned in previous posts, even the word "apostate" carries a different meaning for them than it does for the world at large. The are utterly dependent on their own language and etymology to define their reality, and with that, their ability to relate to the world around them is compromised. Every label they can bestow is only meaningful in their dialect. As such, those labels can carry no weight or recourse.

I call myself an apostate now, and I am proud of it. Not because I give the big middle finger to the Organization, but because I know what it actually means to be one. I have no real malice towards the Organization, and only pity for its members. What I do have is certain modicum of integrity. I did not change my faith for light or transient causes. There was no slight, or petty insult which led to my independence from the Truth. No. I underwent a revolution.

Everything I have endured, researched, and toiled over has been an upheaval to my very foundations. There is no part of me that wasn't rent in two by the process of discovery, or the truth it bore. As such, I declare that I am an apostate because I am first a survivor.

That's my brand.

The Stigma of a Rebel

When I was very young, the St. Ann, Missouri congregation was at its peak. We had about ninety publishers, with average attendance of about one hundred and twenty at any given meeting. Enthusiasm was high, fellowship was good, and there were a lot of young people to go around.

I remember some of the families from that golden age. There were big families and small. Single mothers brought their impressionable children who found kids their own age. Honestly, some of my clearest and fondest memories revolve around those people.

As a slightly older preteen, I recall some of those young people disappearing. For one reason or another, they simply went away. Among the parents of the congregation, there was often a little murmur about so-and-so's son or daughter. They fell in with 'bad association', manifest in one way or another. It became unfashionable to talk about them at all. They had rebelled against Jehovah and the Society.

For years, nothing was said about them. They faded from all memory, no pun intended. But sometimes you might find a face in a crowd that you only recognize after the moment has passed. Perhaps they don't see you either. And for the few times this has happened to me, I've been left wondering if the people they became were less than the people I knew.

I could at this moment give you a dozen names from my childhood, all of them people who were a bit older than me, who left the congregation. Since I've embraced my own apostasy, I have reconnected with a number of them and found that they are mostly happier now than they ever were. The implication that their rebellion had somehow left them broken and sad has been disproved time and again.

The irony is that to be taught that their rebellion had brought them pain required that their personal opinions not be taken into account. In fact, the only way to label them as rebels is to give them no opportunity to speak for themselves. As Witnesses, we were trained to know that divergent thoughts, regardless of cause or reasoning, left one dissatisfied. That just hasn't turned out to be true! Though you'd have to be willing to talk to a rebel to know that, and we were also trained not to associate with them.

Everything I ever knew about the rebel was anecdotal. There were at least two degrees of separation between what I was told they had done and what they had actually done; to which I apply the old bit of advice, "believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see."

I will admit that I took the bait. I was thoroughly convinced that those young people would damage my faith, and that it was better that they were gone. I would learn to repeat from the podium how bad associations spoiled useful habits. I fully adopted the stigma towards rebels as my own. Somehow, I even learned the piteous tone that accompanied inquiries into their welfare when talking to their parents. Everything about them was quietly lamented as a warning or a disingenuous sympathy.

Now I'm that rebel. I would like to think that I'm uninteresting enough that I don't come up in conversation. The fact that I haven't been actively disfellowshipped is probably proof enough. In any case, no one seems to be looking for me. No one seems to be prying into my affairs. These blogs are more than enough to establish my apostasy, though it is my hope to disassociate myself first.

I only know this about myself, I am not a bad person. I am kind and patient. I think critically about the world. I am courteous, generous, and polite. I am also happier. I was so afraid of being a rebel that I refused to pursue my happiness, rather enduring the pain of cognitive dissonance, social isolation, and emotional and spiritual abuse.

Knowing that, I had to reexamine what I thought I knew about the other rebels. Those 'bad examples' of Christian youth were probably fine examples of human beings. To my unexpected delight, they are. But that emphasizes a key discrepancy in the Society's knowledge base. The fundamental teaching about the people who leave the congregation is either flawed or intentionally false. I won't comment on the likelihood of either, but it does demand correction.

It all points back to the overreaching theme of being a Witness. What we knew was only what we were told. Those that held control over what we knew also controlled what we believed. So long as the only information that a person can obtain from Watchtower is a carefully crafted lie built on deliberate ignorance, then there's nothing to be gained from engaging them. In that respect, I no longer see the stigma of rebellion. The self awareness to take ownership of one's own knowledge (or lack thereof) isn't rebellion. It's maturity. It's wisdom. 

On the Topic of Loss

I've never spoken publicly on what I'm about to write. I've grown up to be a reasonably healthy adult, which is more than I can say for some. Not all have gone on to lead productive lives, or have healthy relationships with people who love them. We all have our journey, and this is one small part of mine...

When I was a preteen, I was abused by a family member. It was abrupt, violent, and painful. It was also not an isolated incident. To be perfectly forthright, I don't really remember too many details, except for the most pertinent. Even at that, the memories are clouded by the very deliberate efforts to bury the pain and embarrassment of it all. It was not until the perpetrator came to me to apologize that those memories became available to me. In my humble estimation, they were granted to me in the most spiteful way possible.

My attacker is also one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Rather than dig into the nauseatingly common references to the Australian Royal Commission, the Charity Commission, or any other references to Witness policies on pedophiles, I'd simply like to discuss the realities of my aftermath.

The most immediate and obvious effect was the loss of my innocence. Family was always a focus as I grew up. Our reunions were wonderful, joyous times. The were precious to me. Sadly, it was during one of these reunions that I was exposed to the brutal truth that even family could be willing to hurt me. That's a lesson that shouldn't even exist. It should be true that family can't or wont hurt you. It was unfortunate to learn that at such an age I could be so wrong.

I lost my faith in people as well. Someone who could be so loved, as he was by the rest of my family, was nothing more than a charlatan. Those who loved him were either complicit or ignorant. Either way, they were unworthy of trust. What I would find out later drove a spike of bitterness into an already aching wound.

But I moved on. I watched my associations at later reunions, gave up on activities I used to enjoy, and generally lost my taste for even being there. There were bright spots, of course; usually by way of my cousin Mandy. As an adult, I just gave up going altogether. It wasn't worth the spoiled weekend to stay as far away from him as I could. You never really stop looking over your shoulder after something like that.

As I aged, the memories became buried. I even stopped understanding why I didn't want to go. The aversion was palpable, but not quantifiable. The thought of even setting foot on those grounds was repulsive to me and I had long ceased understanding why. I had lost my family.

Time continued on and I had my own family. It was not all sunshine and roses, sadly, and we eventually separated. During that time, I spent a bit of time at the old family homestead with my daughter and parents. Quite unexpectedly, my attacker arrived for some unexplained reason. He talked with my parents for a while with their typical cordiality. Afterward, he caught up with me in the yard, away from curious ears.

It was almost as if a cloud followed him. Blurry at the edges, I couldn't quite grasp my unease. But I knew it was there nonetheless. It was then that he apologized to me. A very quick, disgusting, and painful highlight reel flashed before my eyes. I both understood my unease in an instant, and wanted to deny its foundation. But there it was. All out in the open after twenty years of silence. I had lost my comfort zone.

The explanation of why he was now apologizing was almost as distasteful as the act for which he apologized. He'd been found out due to another victim stepping forward. He had confessed his sin to the Elders and, as part of his penance, he was to seek forgiveness from his victim(s). I couldn't respond to that request at the time, but I was later encouraged to pray over the matter and seek Jehovah's direction. The matter would remain internal, as nearly all child abuse matters do with Witnesses.

What the elders did for him was to give him absolution. When they did that, they implied that all was right with Jehovah's organization. The scales of righteousness were in balance and there was no need to pursue the matter further. When they asked me to seek God's guidance in handling it as a Christian, they explicitly asked me to deal with it as a congregational matter. I had lost my hope and expectation of justice.

The world cares more about righting the wrongs of victims than the Society does. The elders, my attacker, and anyone else who had intimate knowledge of my ordeal, exhibited more concern for the soul of a predator than for those who should never have been prey. I received no counseling with an eye towards healing. I received no support. I received no backing to report it to secular authorities.

The aftermath was mine to bear. Alone. I had lost my God.

The bible is very clear about what happens to those who commit crimes of various types. With the exception of cities of refuge, people guilty of crimes, including rape, were to be punished. The law of God made sure that victims were vindicated. That is a practice that Watchtower has long since cast aside.

Now, I don't want to downplay the importance of redemption. I believe that it's important that all human error have an opportunity to be righted. The simple truth is that often redemption takes the form of settling one's debts. Absolution relieves the burden, but not the obligation. Absolution is what elders offer to pedophiles. In doing so, they leave the injured without succor.

 

With that, they have lost me.

But... Why?

An acquaintance recently had a discussion with me about her daughter coming out as gay. It seems to be rather commonplace these days. The whiplash effect of having homosexuality sanctioned by the Supreme Court of the US has left the conservatives of the nation with a stinging slap to the face. The inundation of sexual identity celebration is likely to die down somewhere in the next two to ten years.

As she related this story to me, it was clear that she was distressed by the news. She, herself, claimed to be very 'conservative' and was having a tough time dealing with it. I chose not to point out the fact that she is prone to heavy drinking, smoking, toking, and ill-advised sexual dalliances. So claiming to be conservative solely on the basis of a child's sexuality is really a disservice to conservatism.

I've sometimes spoken about my parents' flippant approach to Christianity. Some things were iron clad. Other things were not. There wasn't enough dedication, however, to even garner my respect. The conversation I had with the acquaintance reminded me why.

Most people in the world have no clue why they feel as they do on any given topic. Religion, politics, even the cars they drive, are all a conglomeration of opinions that have a source, but little to no cognitive reasoning behind them. As the outcasts of (a) religion, most of us are quite aware of why we don't want to be Jehovah's Witnesses any longer. But we were forced into this awareness by the nature of our departure.

Catholics, Baptists, Shinto, Muslim, Hindu, Zoarastrians... they all had the opportunity to walk away unscathed and unjustified. There were no committees to meet with. There were no publications geared toward their reindoctrination. There were no family members appearing on a convention part heroically, however woefully, claiming to put God above Family.

Anyone but a Jehovah's Witness could leave their faith with no more explanation that 'it didn't feel right.' To that end, the world at large has never been held to the lens of introspection. WHAT feels wrong? WHY don't I agree? Questions that no one has ever been demanded to ask of themselves.

The result of that is that it's nearly impossible to have an informed conversation with a person and hope for a reasoned response. You'll get passion. You'll get dedication. But you'll rarely get enlightenment.

This is the point where I admit that I am less my Father's son than I once thought myself to be. Dad, having been an elder, was know for being the one who listened. I don't believe he like the responsibility of shepherding the flock. I also don't believe he liked having to apply the letter of the law in committee when he clearly had empathy for the stricken, but more conservative elders were prepared to issue judgement.

Dad, for all his faults, did teach me to listen. When speaking to someone in need, I assume myself to start from a position of ignorance. I cannot help if I do not understand.

Elders, generally, begin with the premise of known quantity. There is a Watchtower policy that must be upheld. To that end, a person under suspicion must then be weighed and measured to see if they can be absolved. They are in fact guilty first, and it is incumbent upon the accused to save themselves. Kind of reminds me of the Gestapo, but with less torture.

There is an important truth that I learned many years ago. Having a destination in mind is a good start, but knowing where you're starting from is just as important to getting there. Shepherding and, in the case of my acquaintance, parenting is very much the same way. Providing direction to a child is only useful if you can understand where they are coming from. To do that, it's important to have the humility to cast off, or at least examine, preconceived notions.

Humanity is plagued with blind acceptance. Much of what we cling to is indoctrination of belief, tradition, or opinion held by those who raised us. Unfortunately, reflection with an eye towards critical examination of those things is often discouraged. Why doesn't my acquaintance want her daughter to be a lesbian? She doesn't know. She doesn't know because she doesn't ask. She doesn't ask because she was taught not to. She was taught not to because her parents were taught not to.

It is a persistent paradigm that serves only one purpose. To weed out undesirables. If you can blindly follow, welcome. If you cannot, then expect to be an outcast. Thus, the nature of religion, as an "agreed upon" form of worship, with attendant the rites and beliefs, is a form of society. As humans, we are prone to social congregation, which brings a number of benefits. As a result, it can be hard to let go of prejudices, even unfounded ones, because it can brand us as undesirable, even if we don't engage in the prohibited practice. Loss of society is too much for most, and forced loss of society is cripplingly traumatic, as any who have been disfellowshipped can attest.

I'm sure that when my dad sat in committee and listed to the confession of a sinner, he tried to place himself in their shoes. He empathized as best he could. However, he was still going to be there with the yardstick of the Watchtower to measure the repentance of an injured person.

I can't do it. I can't sit among the ashes with a person and tell them that what or who they are is wrong. That's not my place. I only know that because I wondered why I should think that it ever was.