Apostate, Me

That word is one that I was taught to fear. Apostate. I learned it at a very early age and was taught to regard it with as much dread as any other child would the Boogey Man, Bloody Mary, or clowns. As one of Jehovah's Witnesses, apostates were people who would try to rob me of my faith, and my chance at eternal life. All the good that I could do as a Christian could easily be undone by a single conversation with an apostate, or by reading any of their printed material.

They were the worst of the worst. Irredeemable, untouchable, and forsaken.

Being an apostate carried the institutional definition of one who actively worked against God's organization. It wasn't enough to stop attending meetings, or going in field service. You had to actually pose an active threat to the faith of others or the organization.

Now, a lot of people become weary and inactive in the Watchtower, Bible, and Tract Society, yet never lose faith. As many remain active without ever having faith, in the hopes that surrounding themselves with spiritual brothers and sister will help it develop.

I am not here to comment either way on which action is correct, or if there even is a correct action.

I would like to correct one bit of thinking, though. Apostasy only requires that one lose faith. That is the dictionary definition, in fact, "someone whose beliefs have changed and who no longer belongs to a religious or political group". Any change in beliefs, even within the scope of your chosen doctrine, that causes you to leave makes you an apostate.

That is, after all, what made me an apostate.

I've never actively chosen to attack the faith of another, or purposely tried to undermine the foundation of their belief. I adamantly protect the right to believe in whatever faith a person finds most reasonable, uplifting, and comforting. However, I no longer believe and have left the God of my youth.

Some may wonder why. It's as simple as saying that I did not find a satisfactory answer. My former brothers and sisters would then admonish me not to "lean upon my own understanding", but there are certain realities that need to be addressed.

As I said before, I've never actively chosen to attack the faith of another, and I will not start here. I will, however, suggest many probing questions. Simply put, there are a number of areas in which Jehovah's Witnesses are more prone to act defensively than to think critically. There are matters of public record that do not conform to doctrine at the institutional level. There are also doctrines that do not withstand the scrutiny of logic.

When these issues are broached, it's standard policy to say that "Satan is trying to lead you away". I've learned, through many years of dealing with family who are still active in the faith, that there is only so much examination they will take. Once they reach their limit, they simply disagree, retreat to well practiced justifications, and break off contact.

Well, I got tired of saying 'nuh-uh' to people who questioned my faith, so I started questioning it on my own. Time after time, I ran into documented conclusions that didn't support courses of actions or dogmatic requirements. The walk just didn't match the talk.

Simple issues of the solar life cycle conflicting with the very nature of Messianic sacrifice make it impossible to take the bible for face value. The persistent short-comings and policy shifts of "God's organization" make it impossible to trust in the direction of the Governing Body. The higher standard that they should hold themselves to is really not all that high. They are just as faulty and culpable as the rest of Christendom.  In that regard they gain no distinction or honor.

And that all brings me down to one inescapable conclusion. The evidence does not match the claim, and we are either completely misled as to the nature and intent of God, or He simply doesn't exist. If it is the former, I refuse to believe that He is so petty as to hold my understandable confusion against me. Though, if He is that petty, then He's a dick and not deserving of my loyalty anyway. And if he doesn't exist, what did I really lose? A lifetime of congregants telling me that I need to do better and have more faith?

Becoming an apostate did not make me a horrible person. In fact, it allowed me to love more freely and see the value and beauty in people I once found deplorable on a scriptural level. I am more educated, more interested, and more involved in the world around me. Above all else, I have gained the self-acceptance that I could never have as a Witness.

The thing that I hope for is not that people leave their faith, but that they fully embrace it. I don't  believe that can be done without an honest examination of all the errors, faults, and gaps. The bible of course could not and did not address the flaws of God's organization, just as it could not detail the flaws of any individual adherent. To achieve complete transparency, one has to be willing to accept facts not documented in the scriptures. Measure the organization against their deeds. Don't stop the accounting at the bible and declare it good when the conditions set out in the scriptures are met. Account for all the things that are done which are not defined in the bible.

If you can get to the end of that road and truthfully say that your heart is behind it without reservation, then I will accept that and give you my blessing.  If you can't, please understand that you are not the first and you will not be the last.

You deserve to know everything about a group to whom you have pledged your life. Ask questions. Scrutinize honestly. Hold accountable. Faithfulness to falsehood is worse than honesty to emptiness.